The Beach

(I rarely get wordy on this blog of mine, but sometimes I just feel like it. tonight, being one of those nights)





on a personal note...

Life is just a bunch of ups and downs iddinit? I'm happy as a bee on a flower one second and crushed like a bee under a bear paw the next.

I've been in California for about three weeks and it has made me think a lot and get excited for future things that I don't even know what they are yet!
I only have the vaguest sense of what to expect. I mean, this HAS to be a low point in my life (or so one would hope) ("one" being me).
I have obsessed over the lamest things this year and really let my bad side shine. Of course, my circumstances at home in Las Vegas have been pretty sad. It's really hard to see my mom struggling with my dad and his disabilities all the time. And to witness the steady decline of his health while I stand by, unsure of what to do or if there's anything I can do at all.
The only thing the guy ever asks for is a soda.
I have felt guilty for being there and guilty when I leave and my goal to move in the near future makes me feel like I'm abandoning them all together. But I gotta.

Despite all that, I've also had a lot of fun times this past year, partially due to the very fact that I don't have a job, but I do have tons of time. The only downfall being that I'm so broke that sometimes I feel like my friends are adults while I'm still a little kid. I worry that I'm doing something wrong. Yet, it feels kinda right.

I spent 14 days in the North East in August and had so much fun. I was really convinced i need to move to Philly asap. But then I went to Tennessee and had an amazing time there as well. Then I came to California and realized, gee, I have a lot of friends here and I could meet famous people all the time if I lived in l.a., plus, I wouldn't be too far away from home. So who knows?
Really, if someone does know, please tell me.

Last week I had one of the best days ever. I ate vegan carrot cake, met Seth Green and Michael Ian black (big fan of M.I.B.) in a totally nonchalant way, saw mom and and baby raccoons crossing the street, only to end the night having dinner with Jennifer at my favorite Long Beach Restaurant, Open Sesame.
on Sunday, I finally got to go to the beach and it was the perfect scenario; playing in waves, laying in the sun, all that jazz. I felt refreshed and giddy.
On those days, good things just happened and I went with it. I was feeling pretty awesome about life.

It's real easy to be a ball of stress and worry about everything...things that will never be resolved or if they are, another one is waiting right behind it to fill its place as if choosing skittles from a vending machine.
At night I have to try extra-super hard to not go crazy with the worries swirlin' about my head. I find myself counting, slowly, envisioning the numbers being drawn on a piece of paper in a fancy, calligraphic style.
But, sometimes you just have to be thankful for what's in front of you (even if {or especially if} it's just sunshine and good health) and sort the rest out later... if you get around to it. Know what I'm saying?